Friday, September 6, 2013

I'm Talking About Poop

One day you are a normal adult spending your time avoiding the topic of all things poop and the next moment you are a parent and the poop literally hits the fan.  From the moment you give birth you are surrounded by talk of poop.  Hell it may even begin with the thought that you may have pooped yourself right on that delivery room bed. Somehow in the chaos and joy of new life that fear that had been weighing on you hardly matters any more. 

Poop Stage #1 The Early Days:

You literally get a new vocabulary associated with your child's feces.  This includes detailed descriptions of texture and color.  If you breast feed, you know what a seedy poop is.  Not only is the poop taking over half your thoughts, but the care of it may be eating up your budget.  Diapers are not cheap and you now find those great packs that you got at your shower, may not last months like you thought but rather a week.  Don't forget constipation either.  Some parents find themselves giving juice to their child, rubbing their tummies, and praying to  God for their little one to just push one out already.  Diaper rashes are fun times too!

Poop Stage #2  The Put it Where it Goes Years

Your dear one has been sucking up half your earnings in diaper and wipe consumption for years now and you have had it.  It is time to potty train. This new stage is a little easier for those who actually poop with ease or as I call them "rocket poopers."  The poopy hoarders are another story and you may find they only want to poop in a diaper.  Pooping on the potty has been your goal and obsession.  When it finally happens, you are so overjoyed you need to announce it in a big way, like on Facebook.  Hell you may even want to post a picture of the poop right there in the pot, please don't.

Poop Stage #3  The Mom Can You Wipe Me Phase

You have settled into complete use of the commode at this point.   Now that doesn't mean your little one doesn't need help any more. You are now a professional wiper.   Somehow the wiping accompanies some sort of commentary.  "Oh wow look how long that one is."  "Oh you are stinky, giggle giggle!"  You may even be tempted or actually follow through on calling in your spouse to see the giant turd you can't believe your two year old just shot out.

Poop Stage #4  The Damnit You Are Old Enough to Wipe Your Own Ass Phase

This stage peaks somewhere around 4 turning five.  You start the year off with slight comments that it is almost time to wipe your own butt little one.  The fun of evaluating the poop and the giggling has left.  By the end of the year, you are threatening that this will be the last wipe you perform and from now on you will do this yourself because this is gross!  In fact one day you actually stand your ground and a new life begins for you.  You are almost turning back to the old you, with different interests.  That as unless you have had another child, because if that is the case then head on back to step one and repeat!

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